Been feeling down almost the whole night,from around 9pm,which I received a mail which I thought was full of hope,to one which brought me my sadness right after I opened it.Started wondering after I received the letter that what is this world coming to?Somehow,when I'm not involved in it,I don't really feel it.However,when I'm at the brunt of the situation,I started to ponder upon this thought of being in Singapore.
Somehow,I had always thought that studying is easy,until I know some friends who do not have high education,and also friends who keep telling me that study is very useful,in the end being seen as some good-for-nothing,even those whom I started tutoring.These seem to lose almost everyone about what this is about.However,I just feel that living in Singapore has it's pros and cons.
Let's talk about how good Singapore is first shall we?Well,compared to many other countries,we are a peaceful country,with no natural disaster to trouble us,except for overpopulation if we are to put it strictly.We are blessed with a country where food is not something that can only be prayed for,unlike some countries who cannot even afford to provide food for themselves.Now,being able to fill your own stomach is already a good thing for many of us already right?Yet at the same time,not many are happy with the current lifestyle.Is this due to humans being selfish and wanting more,or is it forced out of our daily lifestyle to become what we really want,and not needed?How nice is this man.
Well,let us just talk about the bad thing,which is also why I felt utter disappointment in the place.Let me just focus on one thing that I find is really very true for alot of our lives.In our lives,after we are born,we are forced to pursue the one thing that will determine what we do and where we go in the future,education.Yet,in this seemingly hopeful area of education I see the ugly side of life.Many people will just feel that in this kind of pursuit,it will let them have their 'dream income',and some will just feel the harsh reality being thrown down onto them.What do I mean?It simply just means that,even though everything seems to be perfect,working flawlessly,for people to climb up to the next education level,there will always be people who will get slashed out in every place.Let's just put what I learnt in education system.Take,for example,'O' level and 'A' level.It always says that study hard will bring about results.Yet,at the end of the road,there will always be people who will pass,and dance with joy,and others,weep at a corner thinking what to do next.Well,I can say that I am quite lucky,to be able to survive these sweeping actions done from the top to the bottom.However,what is there to be done?There must always be the top,middle,and low end class of the people to do all kinds of jobs.Who are we to say who is right and who is wrong?Stopping at whichever level is right,or wrong?Well,nobody can.This is what I feel.Before I was in this kind of situation,that was my thinking.However,what happens now?I'm so stuck in my own area,trying to find a solution,hoping for some minor miracle to come out,yet this had to happen.Somehow,I regretted choosing this path in my education journey.Well,it's too late for regrets are we not?What's left for me to do now?To step out into my next phase of life,or do I become the stick in the mud and keep trying and praying for miracles to happen.Well,I guess the answer is obvious now.I just feel that,why is this system so unfair.Only those who are better in studies are the supposed 'good in work'?Is this really such a fair system?Do we really need such a big level to get to the next kind of journey?What is this man.Well,it seems that I'm just complaining myself out to myself about what have I done the past 22 years of my life.Seems like life's getting so boring,and dead,in where I'm actually at.Well,hope that some kind of unknown path is set out for me,cos I really can't seem to feel where I'm supposed to go now,or is it because that I'm too stuck onto Singapore's way of educating the young?Am I supposed to change myself now,and let myself become part of another kind of community that I myself don't even know?I really wonder.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Cold and Empty
Been having a few strange feelings recently.Got into a few weird situations which I had not expected in my life.Best out of all these,nobody seemed to even noticed that there was a change.Shows that I'm quite good in hiding my own feelings?Wonder if it's a good thing or not.
One main feeling I felt,and that feeling has always been happening to me,not on and off,but time and time again.It happens so much that it makes me wonder if it's just me or I'm having a super tough luck in terms of dealing with others.The feeling brings on such a big thought for me that I somehow think that I should really go back to my old self,so that this kind of incident don't happen to me again.Somehow,I do feel like a substitute to many of the people.How does this kind of substitute come about?It usually comes about just when somebody have any kinds of problems.I'm the supposed person they always stick themselves on.However,when the problems cools down or is gone,I'm seemed as the transparent person,or just another person who is DISTURBING them.How selfish can people get eh?Nevertheless,things still have to move on.Yet why can't those who done all these to me KNOW and REMEMBER what they did,and come back to find me to 'console' them time and time again for all sorts of feelings.I know,I'm not a super interesting guy which 99.999999% of the people around loves to be around with.I'm just the old,uninteresting,ugly,yet another person who they can grab from the streets.Since they already know that,why am I the person in this kind of situation,ALWAYS...
The next kind of feeling,well,I won't call this as feeling,I'd rather call this as a thought,that I'm always the bridge between 2 or more people.I'm always asked to go out as a group.Then,after going out,I'm always the one who is left out,ignored,and even to the extent of being scorned at whenever I'm out.This kind of a feeling feels so piercing to my own heart and character that it really makes me feel like drawing myself back into my own world,not caring about any of the people around anymore.Is it because that in a group,there always have to have someone who is the common target of everyone,the one who is always being treated as transparent,that I'm ALWAYS the one who is treated as such?Seriously,what kind of a person deserves this kind of treatment,regardless whether it's for punishment or just a normal reaction by other people.I just wish to be a normal person who is treated normally for anything that happens.Why do so much things,oh well,it's just ONE main thing,happen to me?Sometimes,I wish that life is as simple as reading a book,or watching a show,where you can predict what's going to happen in the next chapter or later on in the story.Humans are so 'unpredictable' that sometimes people just do not know where to go for which kind of situation.
Let's put a conclusion for today,since time passes with no linkage towards whichever road in life.Or simply,MY LIFE.I feel that time is starting to lose it's meaning to me anymore.I can't even really feel who is my true friend,and who are those who are only looking upon me as a substitute.Maybe it's time for me to seriously ponder upon this issue and sink myself into this despair to truly understand what kind of a person I really am.Or should I find my ownself in my own life to find out what is it about me that makes people treat me as such.Time is giving so much issue to so many people.Yet why that when it comes to me,I find that time is only going to give me more coldness and emptiness inside of me to even care about anything or anyone anymore?Guess it's time that I need to start focusing on myself instead of anyone else anymore,time for me to be selfish to others.Yet,why does it feel so hard.I think it's time for me to harden myself,harden my soul,empty my feelings,to really be selfish.Hope that I'm capable of doing all these stuff now.For now I am starting to feel more and more people are going to treat me as substitute already.I can't even feel a tinge of hope in me that being like myself is going to help myself in any way.Give me a spark of hope,so that I have enough light to brave myself through my own storm in the life of my own.Let my old self die off,and give my new self a new lease of life.For those who are already treating me as a substitute or a bridge,give me a chance to change myself,don't let me sink back into myself,give me a path out to salvage myself.I will thank you all for all these kind actions.
One main feeling I felt,and that feeling has always been happening to me,not on and off,but time and time again.It happens so much that it makes me wonder if it's just me or I'm having a super tough luck in terms of dealing with others.The feeling brings on such a big thought for me that I somehow think that I should really go back to my old self,so that this kind of incident don't happen to me again.Somehow,I do feel like a substitute to many of the people.How does this kind of substitute come about?It usually comes about just when somebody have any kinds of problems.I'm the supposed person they always stick themselves on.However,when the problems cools down or is gone,I'm seemed as the transparent person,or just another person who is DISTURBING them.How selfish can people get eh?Nevertheless,things still have to move on.Yet why can't those who done all these to me KNOW and REMEMBER what they did,and come back to find me to 'console' them time and time again for all sorts of feelings.I know,I'm not a super interesting guy which 99.999999% of the people around loves to be around with.I'm just the old,uninteresting,ugly,yet another person who they can grab from the streets.Since they already know that,why am I the person in this kind of situation,ALWAYS...
The next kind of feeling,well,I won't call this as feeling,I'd rather call this as a thought,that I'm always the bridge between 2 or more people.I'm always asked to go out as a group.Then,after going out,I'm always the one who is left out,ignored,and even to the extent of being scorned at whenever I'm out.This kind of a feeling feels so piercing to my own heart and character that it really makes me feel like drawing myself back into my own world,not caring about any of the people around anymore.Is it because that in a group,there always have to have someone who is the common target of everyone,the one who is always being treated as transparent,that I'm ALWAYS the one who is treated as such?Seriously,what kind of a person deserves this kind of treatment,regardless whether it's for punishment or just a normal reaction by other people.I just wish to be a normal person who is treated normally for anything that happens.Why do so much things,oh well,it's just ONE main thing,happen to me?Sometimes,I wish that life is as simple as reading a book,or watching a show,where you can predict what's going to happen in the next chapter or later on in the story.Humans are so 'unpredictable' that sometimes people just do not know where to go for which kind of situation.
Let's put a conclusion for today,since time passes with no linkage towards whichever road in life.Or simply,MY LIFE.I feel that time is starting to lose it's meaning to me anymore.I can't even really feel who is my true friend,and who are those who are only looking upon me as a substitute.Maybe it's time for me to seriously ponder upon this issue and sink myself into this despair to truly understand what kind of a person I really am.Or should I find my ownself in my own life to find out what is it about me that makes people treat me as such.Time is giving so much issue to so many people.Yet why that when it comes to me,I find that time is only going to give me more coldness and emptiness inside of me to even care about anything or anyone anymore?Guess it's time that I need to start focusing on myself instead of anyone else anymore,time for me to be selfish to others.Yet,why does it feel so hard.I think it's time for me to harden myself,harden my soul,empty my feelings,to really be selfish.Hope that I'm capable of doing all these stuff now.For now I am starting to feel more and more people are going to treat me as substitute already.I can't even feel a tinge of hope in me that being like myself is going to help myself in any way.Give me a spark of hope,so that I have enough light to brave myself through my own storm in the life of my own.Let my old self die off,and give my new self a new lease of life.For those who are already treating me as a substitute or a bridge,give me a chance to change myself,don't let me sink back into myself,give me a path out to salvage myself.I will thank you all for all these kind actions.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Truth of the world?
Been on a movie marathon with a few of my friends recently.Watched shows mainly on war that had happened.What astonished me in the movies is that the situation is so real that it makes me think about how people in the world is like.What I had saw was the art of western movie-making technology,and also how realistic and simple that the scriptwriters and directors there were.
Let's first talk about the movie itself.It was based on the time during the vietnam war with America.The starting plot is always the same,all the minor stuff,and the gathering of the army soldiers settling down with their family in the designated area for them,which are really quite big in this sense.Then,the horror happened.The war came,which required the 'officers' of the army to be deployed to destroy and cripple the vietnamese.It is so sudden and simple that it feels so real in my thoughts.Next thing that happens,that war came.Well,of cos the Americans won,or else Vietnam will be in power now.What makes all these so realistic is the strategies,the way the people act,and also the description of the horror and gore in the show.You can say that I'm one who likes gore.However,I do find that this kind of things SHOULD be the things that should be shown in Singapore army,not those proud and glory things that army has shown us.That made me feel that the show is nice.
The next thing I found in this movie,titled 'We Were Soldiers',and also another Thai movie called '13 Game of Death',is the fact of how humans in the world treats each other.The horror when being alone out in the battlefield,where enemies lie all around you,one wrong move can determines whether you live or die.Combined with selfish bastards who will not move to help the few trapped people in the platoon.The basis of all these selfishness is so simple yet truthful in the world out there,even when it's a war which we will never fight,comes so simply and drastically that it shocked me to the bones,even though I do watch some of the war-related movies.This is by far the worse that I've seen so far.The description is so vivid that I personally feel that some people who watch the show may even be shocked.These kinds of movies are by far one of the best kind of movies I've ever touched on.
For the Thai movie,it was about a person involved in a game which gives him tremendous amount of cash when he completes each tasks.The reason why this guy chose this task was,the fact that he needed the cash urgently.However,the tasks that takes him on this journey which brought about harm to single personnels at first.However,there was one task which still gives me the creeps just to think about how good the person who made this movie strategise how each of the moves that the person will take and the fact that the feeling that each will feel according to each tasks that he had done.This made me think about how low a person will stoop just to get the one thing that matters the most and the least in this world,money.
Well,for all that had happened in all the movies,it's really hard for me to express it out in words,as the true feelings can only be found through each and our very own eyes.What is the thing that gives people so much selfishness,so much honor and respect,so much terror and horror,remains a biggest mystery to the greatest 'thinkers' in the world,when the easiest thing IS the hardest to comprehen in this world to the people all around.As to how a person can really feel or sense,it's just up to our ownselves to know and understand.Well,time for me to stop now.Let us just hope that whatever it is that is blocking all the 'geniuses' in the world to create shows with the X-factor and the simplicity,will be unblocked soon,so that we will have better shows in time to come.
Let's first talk about the movie itself.It was based on the time during the vietnam war with America.The starting plot is always the same,all the minor stuff,and the gathering of the army soldiers settling down with their family in the designated area for them,which are really quite big in this sense.Then,the horror happened.The war came,which required the 'officers' of the army to be deployed to destroy and cripple the vietnamese.It is so sudden and simple that it feels so real in my thoughts.Next thing that happens,that war came.Well,of cos the Americans won,or else Vietnam will be in power now.What makes all these so realistic is the strategies,the way the people act,and also the description of the horror and gore in the show.You can say that I'm one who likes gore.However,I do find that this kind of things SHOULD be the things that should be shown in Singapore army,not those proud and glory things that army has shown us.That made me feel that the show is nice.
The next thing I found in this movie,titled 'We Were Soldiers',and also another Thai movie called '13 Game of Death',is the fact of how humans in the world treats each other.The horror when being alone out in the battlefield,where enemies lie all around you,one wrong move can determines whether you live or die.Combined with selfish bastards who will not move to help the few trapped people in the platoon.The basis of all these selfishness is so simple yet truthful in the world out there,even when it's a war which we will never fight,comes so simply and drastically that it shocked me to the bones,even though I do watch some of the war-related movies.This is by far the worse that I've seen so far.The description is so vivid that I personally feel that some people who watch the show may even be shocked.These kinds of movies are by far one of the best kind of movies I've ever touched on.
For the Thai movie,it was about a person involved in a game which gives him tremendous amount of cash when he completes each tasks.The reason why this guy chose this task was,the fact that he needed the cash urgently.However,the tasks that takes him on this journey which brought about harm to single personnels at first.However,there was one task which still gives me the creeps just to think about how good the person who made this movie strategise how each of the moves that the person will take and the fact that the feeling that each will feel according to each tasks that he had done.This made me think about how low a person will stoop just to get the one thing that matters the most and the least in this world,money.
Well,for all that had happened in all the movies,it's really hard for me to express it out in words,as the true feelings can only be found through each and our very own eyes.What is the thing that gives people so much selfishness,so much honor and respect,so much terror and horror,remains a biggest mystery to the greatest 'thinkers' in the world,when the easiest thing IS the hardest to comprehen in this world to the people all around.As to how a person can really feel or sense,it's just up to our ownselves to know and understand.Well,time for me to stop now.Let us just hope that whatever it is that is blocking all the 'geniuses' in the world to create shows with the X-factor and the simplicity,will be unblocked soon,so that we will have better shows in time to come.
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