Cold and Empty

Been having a few strange feelings recently.Got into a few weird situations which I had not expected in my life.Best out of all these,nobody seemed to even noticed that there was a change.Shows that I'm quite good in hiding my own feelings?Wonder if it's a good thing or not.


One main feeling I felt,and that feeling has always been happening to me,not on and off,but time and time again.It happens so much that it makes me wonder if it's just me or I'm having a super tough luck in terms of dealing with others.The feeling brings on such a big thought for me that I somehow think that I should really go back to my old self,so that this kind of incident don't happen to me again.Somehow,I do feel like a substitute to many of the people.How does this kind of substitute come about?It usually comes about just when somebody have any kinds of problems.I'm the supposed person they always stick themselves on.However,when the problems cools down or is gone,I'm seemed as the transparent person,or just another person who is DISTURBING them.How selfish can people get eh?Nevertheless,things still have to move on.Yet why can't those who done all these to me KNOW and REMEMBER what they did,and come back to find me to 'console' them time and time again for all sorts of feelings.I know,I'm not a super interesting guy which 99.999999% of the people around loves to be around with.I'm just the old,uninteresting,ugly,yet another person who they can grab from the streets.Since they already know that,why am I the person in this kind of situation,ALWAYS...


The next kind of feeling,well,I won't call this as feeling,I'd rather call this as a thought,that I'm always the bridge between 2 or more people.I'm always asked to go out as a group.Then,after going out,I'm always the one who is left out,ignored,and even to the extent of being scorned at whenever I'm out.This kind of a feeling feels so piercing to my own heart and character that it really makes me feel like drawing myself back into my own world,not caring about any of the people around anymore.Is it because that in a group,there always have to have someone who is the common target of everyone,the one who is always being treated as transparent,that I'm ALWAYS the one who is treated as such?Seriously,what kind of a person deserves this kind of treatment,regardless whether it's for punishment or just a normal reaction by other people.I just wish to be a normal person who is treated normally for anything that happens.Why do so much things,oh well,it's just ONE main thing,happen to me?Sometimes,I wish that life is as simple as reading a book,or watching a show,where you can predict what's going to happen in the next chapter or later on in the story.Humans are so 'unpredictable' that sometimes people just do not know where to go for which kind of situation.


Let's put a conclusion for today,since time passes with no linkage towards whichever road in life.Or simply,MY LIFE.I feel that time is starting to lose it's meaning to me anymore.I can't even really feel who is my true friend,and who are those who are only looking upon me as a substitute.Maybe it's time for me to seriously ponder upon this issue and sink myself into this despair to truly understand what kind of a person I really am.Or should I find my ownself in my own life to find out what is it about me that makes people treat me as such.Time is giving so much issue to so many people.Yet why that when it comes to me,I find that time is only going to give me more coldness and emptiness inside of me to even care about anything or anyone anymore?Guess it's time that I need to start focusing on myself instead of anyone else anymore,time for me to be selfish to others.Yet,why does it feel so hard.I think it's time for me to harden myself,harden my soul,empty my feelings,to really be selfish.Hope that I'm capable of doing all these stuff now.For now I am starting to feel more and more people are going to treat me as substitute already.I can't even feel a tinge of hope in me that being like myself is going to help myself in any way.Give me a spark of hope,so that I have enough light to brave myself through my own storm in the life of my own.Let my old self die off,and give my new self a new lease of life.For those who are already treating me as a substitute or a bridge,give me a chance to change myself,don't let me sink back into myself,give me a path out to salvage myself.I will thank you all for all these kind actions.