This post is a totally personal post.It encompasses the most of my feelings that I've felt in my life for today,the 18-19 Feb 2008 of my life,one of the times when I felt the most down and the worst in my life currently.Wonder how many will actually read this post.I got this down while I'm in the drunk mode,as this is the only time when I feel that I'm actually the most sober and the most undrunk period of my life.This will be one of the posts that will really hurt alot of people.So those who really don't wish to spoil my relationships with them please do not carry on.
I'll start it now.This few days I've been thinking alot.About life,about what I really wish to do,about what exactly is it that I've been missing in life,and what is it that I really wish to change about myself.I will say one thing,I was really down the past few days.The fact that I said that it will affect alot of relationships is that it shows alot of things that many people do not know.I'm only daring to show it now because I'm drunk.I do not know how many people will believe a drunkard's words,but for me to show all these stuff is something that I will never be able to do sober.
Firstly,as I've said,I've been in alot of troubles recently,so I'm actually super down.The best part about me is that I do not even know how to solve it myself.This was one of the reasons why I was so down.One of the reasons is whether I really wish for myself to even know that I'm currently into the right path of my life.Whether it's really the case for myself,whether I have what it takes to even find out about myself.I know that alot of people really wish to find out what is it that I really want,but all I can say is that they have been searching through the wrong paths,cos whatever that they thought was the path is on the wrong path that I was searching, it's something that I've really not even thought about.This was why my down-ness never got up,I was given more problems even before I was able to resolve my own problem.I am really grateful to those who really tried to help me.I know that there was one person who really did that to me.I'm extremely grateful to him for scolding me,although it was not what I really was thinking about.He is one of the person who really cared about how I felt and also helping me to overcome so much of the stuff that I was not even thinking about.For the person,I think I know who you are,if you are reading this post right now,I really have nothing more to say except to say thank you to you.
Secondly,I really wish to thank the three other person who brought me to my 'drunk' state today,they are tat,john and mh.For those who know who they are,good for them.For those who do not know,don't ask me,cos all I say is that they are my best buddies for life,even if they do not treat me as such.Many will say that I'm being silly or whatever.However,what's the difference being silly or being frank?I find that I'm just being frank with myself and also my friends.Yes,I may be hiding some facts and some informations with them,but are they really harmful facts?Yes,some will think so,others may not.I will not persist on them.I just hope that what I've really gone through will be understood by all in future.To be helping a friend doesn't mean that you have to be superb at talking,be extremely eloquent or anything.It just takes abit more effort and also abit more understanding with each other for you to even know what is it that many have really missed out in others.I dare not say that I'm definitely one of those who puts in the most effort to understand one another.I am only learning to know what is it that others want.
Thirdly,one of the biggest thing that I do not know whether it is helping me or not is that I'm in love with a girl.Who the girl is a few of them knows.However,as to when I'm gonna start taking actions only one guy in my life knows about it.If he spread it,then I can only thank him for wasting the trust that I have for him.However,if he do not.I can also thank him for not bringing the truth out of his mouth,and also for making my trust in him right.Whether this is the former or the latter,only the guy himself will know.I also do not wish to pursue any further than it is.I'll just leave it at that point.When I know that the time is right,I will start taking actions.At this point of time when I do not even have a single future link in my life,I will not think about any other stuff.I do not know when is the best time to talk to her about this thing,but I know that now is definitely not the correct time,as I do not have a single shit(pardon me for using vulgarities),on me now.
Lastly,just when I thought that I have a few good friends whom I've just made,a few good friends whom I really thought that they'd really care for as much as I cared for them,I found out that my trust had been misplaced.I had always thought that I have these friends whom I can actually trust,they had actually made me feel so tired in life that I really do not know what is actually friendship anymore.Perhaps this is not the first time,but this will definitely not be the last time that I will say all these.Maybe my trust in friends and their trust in me are really different.I may treat them as gold,but I have this feeling that I'm only treated as shit in their eyes.I will not venture to say how true they are,cos I know that there will always be times when they are right and wrong,I can only say that time will show everything.Maybe I've been too trusting to everyone and everything such that I'm being treated as nothing in people's eyes.What I can only say and feel is that time is the factor that will really show me what I've done is right or wrong.Venturing too much into them will only bring more troubles and problems for myself.Is this really what I want?I really do not know.Maybe it's time for me to change how I am to my friends,maybe it's time I really should start to care more for myself rather than to care about others,may it's time that I should start being selfish to myself and cruel to others.Yet am I able to do all these?Am I able to find the correct key to unlock the biggest door in my life?Do I actually have the strength to open this biggest barrier in my life currently?I will never know unless I try.I just hope that I will find the answer to all my questions today.Hope that this post will really bring more thoughts to myself when I'm actually sober.For now,everything will still be a mystery in the future.All I can do is to listen more to the song 'gei wei lai de zi ji' by fish leong and really attain myself to know and understand what is it that the song implied in the hope of finding more about myself and about my own thoughts in the future.Let me find the courage to even face against the door of my life and let myself indulge in the time when I am really enjoying myself currently.Let me hope that today's post is just another random droning of my own mind and that everything is just something that I had only think it was.Finally,let me find my own trueself amidst this field of unknown and unchartered life territory of my life.Thanks to those who really took the courage to read this post and find out what really went through in me rather than running away from it when I said that this will affect relationships.Really thank you!
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